You may or may not have heard the news about the world ending soon. Again. The 1,872,000 days on the Mayan calendar are officially coming to an end leaving the world wonder, what happens next? Rapture? Apocalypse? Doomsday? (Personally, I think Professor Pedro gave up on the calendar and took up painting.) Whatever. Any which way it all goes down,
I’m having a party!!! Actually it’s a fiesta and you’re invited. You can join me poolside December 20 - 21 for margaritas with tiny umbrellas. I'm tying a piñata over my spa for my fellow drunkards. Hopefully Christ will show up. Maybe he’s already been here and left early due to a low turnout?
Here is my doomsday post just in case I don’t make it:
December 21, 2013
Due to lack of participation on Friday morning, God was forced to postpone the rapture causing heavy delays at the entrance to heaven.
The bad news came shortly after 9:00 AM EST when our planets anxious residents swarmed the internet waves looking for survivors around the globe. After the confusion subsided and loved ones located, officials from NASA release the following statement, “The world is not ending today. These claims are bogus and lack any scientific evidence.” Organized religions around the world are now scrambling to find new doomsday predictions after multiple failed attempts have left mankind asking, “Do I get a refund on my bunker?”
In 2001 the corporate giant known as Islam, planted a virus in the system meant to slow down the rapidly growing consumer base for God’s Planet earth experiment. Prophets are facing recalls in grant money while the experiment continues its downward spiral. Islam was one of many contributing factors in the decision to remove God from our nations schools. Residents of the U.S., Canada and Puerto Rico are now gradually moving to exclude him from holidays.
In addition to the glitch, predictions of Xenus spaceships have peeked an all time high, forcing God to come up with a new five year plan. This plan is said to include heavier marketing, severe weather changes and more funding for religious leaders. “Our outlook is optimistic,” says Joel Osteen, a televangelist with little religious training who profits an estimated 40 million dollars annually from his Christian followers. “We are projecting a 10% increase in conversions with a retention rate < 60%.” Osteen who has written several best selling books on popular psychology and religion also claims, "When things go down, like the economy and the natural disasters and things like that, in my position and the field that I'm in, we see our churches go up, because many people do turn to their faith in these difficult times." (True quote).
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