If you haven’t been to Break the Barriers - GO NOW!!! Pack
up your munchkins, grab your checkbook and experience the awesomeness. It’s BEAUTIFUL!
Break the Barriers is a massive facility offering gymnastics, martial arts,
dance, swim, archery, music, sign language… the list goes on. People of all abilities come here to achieve
success. When I took Stu to check it out, there were about 80 kids, all doing
different organized activities. We oooohed
and awwwwed our way through the whole gym and I signed him up for classes the
same night. While Stuart did his warm up, I started prepping speeches in
my head about how God builds us all differently... blah blah blah. There will be
lots of questions.After the warm up, the kids broke off into smaller groups for station time. I had to stay behind a wall but I followed Stu throughout his exercises with a big dopey grin and two thumbs way up in the air. When it was time for the uneven bars, the kids all had to form a line and wait for the coach to instruct them individually. Stu was waiting patiently for his turn when he turned to the little girl behind him and struck up a conversation. “That’s my mommy!” he yelled, pointing at me. I flashed my biggest mom smile and waved at them. The little girl quickly found her own parents and yelled back at Stu, “that’s my daddy! And that’s my nother (another) daddy!” I gave a quick glance and smile to both dads. “Okay… turn around pay attention to your coach”, I signaled back.
Shit! Shit shit shit - I didn’t prepare this speech. I had noticed the couple earlier when dad 1 put his hand on dad 2’s lower back. Never thought twice about it. Stuart on the other hand looked kinda confused but after he saw something shiny his thoughts quickly moved on. After class, Stuart ran up to me and excitedly announced that his new friend Sophie had TWO dads!! He showed me his two fingers and had a huge smile like it was the coolest thing he’d ever heard. I “took a phone call” while I put his shoes on and we quickly left. Luckily dad 1 and dad 2 didn’t seem to care that my son and their daughter outed them at the gym. I never know if I’m supposed to laugh or give my kid a loud speech on how we’re all created equal. (I see you watching me). My view of the world is pretty pragmatic and I want my kids to be armed with knowledge and tolerance…. But you’re not here to read about that. I mostly don’t want my kids to hear about this stuff from some asshat 6th grader, who will say “huh uhhh…they do it”, or my 7th grader husband who'll just turn red and won't say anything at all. I think I want them hear a more PC explanation. ?! Maybe? Ugh. Have your kids asked? I thought I had YEARS to figure this out.
Anywho, the class was a hit but unfortunately we won’t be back
(though I highly recommend it). They have a strict no camera policy. I get it.
I respect it. It’s a deal breaker. We’re back at the Little Gym. Here are a
few snaps I got before my camera was banned...
My suggestion, just like the birds and bees questions, wait until your son ASKS a question, and answer what he asks. No questions- no answers. Not that it's easy to explain complicated, value laden concepts to kids, but most of the time we make it harder because we know and understand so much more about the social context of the questions than they do. Like the standard sex -ed story about the kid who asks "where did I come from" and his mom goes into the whole baby making explanation. "No, Billy came from Texas, where did I come from?"
ReplyDeleteGood luck.
Your child didn't ask or understand anything about "GAY parents" (as you put it in your WaPo comment). He was excited to learn that someone had two dads. Probably because he thinks it's cool to have one dad, so two dads would be double cool. He would think the same thing if it were her dad and stepdad. You are projecting a lot of your insecurities with gay people onto your child.
ReplyDeleteTry this:
ReplyDeleteKid: Sophie has two dads!
Mom: Cool!
or:
Kid: Sophie has two dads!
Mom: Are these her dads? Hello! I'm Kid's Mom. Nice to meet you.
He didn't actually ask any questions, so I'm not clear on why you needed to explain anything, but if he does ever ask, here are some sample conversations:
Kid: Can two boys get married?
Mom: Yes.
Kid: Can two girls get married?
Mom: Yes.
Kid: How can Sophie have two dads?
Mom: I guess they loved each other a lot, so they decided to get married and have a baby. Just like me and Dad!
When he gets older and knows something about the birds and the bees, it will occur to him to ask how two men managed to have a baby. That isn't really any harder to explain:
Kid: Wait, I thought you needed a sperm and an egg to make a baby.
Mom: Yes, you do. Sophie's dads might have adopted her, or maybe one of them had a baby with a woman. But honey, it's kind of a personal question, okay, so don't ask her. She'll tell you about it if she wants to.
But don't rush it. My daughter, who has two moms, knows that it takes a sperm and egg to make a baby, and it still hasn't occurred to her to ask how we managed it. When she asks, we'll tell her, just as we'll tell her about sex when she finally says, "But wait, how does the sperm get into the mama's body?"
But you know what you are really, really going to need if you are going to stop being so embarrassed by the existence of gay people? You're going to need to get to know more gay people. You probably already know lots, but more of them will come out to you if you quell your panic. It really stinks to come out to someone who responds by rushing from the room.
Also, there are lots of good kids' books on all the many kinds of families, so you might want to get some, and make sure his preschool has some. Your son's adopted, single-parented, grandparent-raised, and same-sex-parented friends will thank you, and so will your son. I hate to scare you, but one day he just might adopt a child or be gay himself, and how great it will be that you taught him from day one that people like him are happy and a part of your life.
Good luck!
Try "Some men love other men the way most men love women." That's what my great grandmother told me c. 1966 (when I was about 5) and it seems to have worked.
ReplyDelete